Herbacidal ManEATINGiacs
by L.C.Candle
Summary: The Bold Color Dry Erase Certified AP Nontoxic, Conforms to ASTM D4236. U.S.A. ...are ATTACKING. Rated T for swearings.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of this and I have ****Daimios**** and her stupid 'Whistling' fiction to blame for all of this. DARN YOU DAIMIOS! DARRN YOOOUUU! –shake fist-**

**Authors Note:// **There are those times when I give myself a deadline and forget about Mel. I'm sorry Mel. You can hit me with a frying pan though. I PROMISE I'LL JAM YOUR INBOX SOON!! Anyway, this is one of those times. BEHOLD. THE PROLOUGE OF…Well, wait, before we say it, I'm sure you all believed that the Expo Marker Mary Sue in Welcome to Room Insanity 191 was THE BIG EXPO MARKER THING I was talking about. HA-HA-HA. Did you REALLY think I would only put TWO CHAPTERS OF IT UP? BUWAHA. You people have a lot to learn.

A LOT.

Be cause that was not the EXPO MARKERS. No, that was….MARY SUE BASHING!

Now the question is…IS THIS. THE EXPO MARKERS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR?

Well, we'll find out.

Someone once told me I leave long Authors Notes…PFFT. THIS AIN'T LONG. IT'S ONLY LIKE, HALF A PAGE. NO BIGGIE. **//:End Authors Note**

**Prologue**

Jasper POV.

I needed to be careful; this was a very serious operation. It was very prudent of me to do what needed to be done, and hurry. I couldn't be seen by anyone, no of course not, that would be bad. Worse than bad in fact, it would cause a great deal of trouble on my part. A very great deal indeed.

He would surely find out what I was up to if he only snatched the small book out of my hands and read the first page. Not even the first page, in fact, the title of the book itself would give me away immediately. I couldn't afford that.

She had probably already seen me, had already figured out my plans. If she talked about it or merely mentioned it to him, everything would be ruined. I had a small sliver of hope, though, hope that she would think nothing of it and not see through my disguise to my plan.

I heard him pick up his car keys and head out the door to meet his beloved. Yes, perfect, everything was going according to plan.

If only he knew what I had in store for him, if only.

**Chapter One.**

Yes my sexually oppressed brother is in the next room listening to my every thought, which is exactly why I'm going to annoy him with the simple fact that I can feel his need through the thick walls of the house we live in.

"I _CAN_ HEAR YOU THROUGH THE THICK WALLS OF THE HOUSE WE LIVE IN TOO, JASPER!" He yelled at me.

Perfect, that's what you get, and if you spy on me again, Edward, I'll start thinking about Alice. Now, do you really need a permanent memory of a half-naked Alice? I can feel the waves of disgust washing off of him, literally.

"God _damn_ you emotional feeling moron!" He yells again.

God _damn you_ telepathic freaks. I smile at my witty remark. Now, go on, Edward, go home to your little Bella and get turned on by her little blush. You really ought to turn her. Or stay away from home more, it's very disturbing, your feelings.

"You know what Jasper? Fuck. You. I'm leaving."

Thank you, Edward. I like it when you leave. Bye! See you later, brother! Have a good time with Bella, I'm sure you will.

He picks up his keys again and dashes off, muttering something about how I am a disturbed vampire and need help because my mind is very odd. Yes, I love him too. I wait for a while, making sure that he is far out of sight before I run out of the room, down the stairs, and straight into Emmett.

"EMMETT!" I yell, then in a calmer manner, I lean against him, dusting my nails on my shirt. "Emmett, my good fellow… How are you?"

Emmett stares at me like I'm insane, which of course is very true. I take great pride in my insanity, of course. Just like Edward takes great pride in his..._piano_. Ah, yes, of course, Edward's piano. It is the only thing in this household that releases his…erm…longing. He plays it to get his mind off of…Well, you know…

"Hey, Jasper. What's up?"

"Ah, nothing, nothing at all my kind friend. I was just...wondering, if you knew where your beloved Rosalie was at the moment?"

"Garage. She's toying with her car."

"Of course, thank you, Emmett! You have been of great service to me. I bid you a fair well." I bow and am off again in search of Rosalie. It wouldn't be too hard to find her under the great ever-growing mass of tools, grease, cars, and other such things related.

"Rosssaaallliiieeeee…." I say in a sing-song voice.

"I'm busssyyy…" She says back, but rolls out on one of those skateboard-things that you use to go under the car. I wonder idly what those things are called…

"Will you still be busy if I ask you to help me unleash our power and destroy EDWARD CULLEN???"

Rosalie sits up suddenly and wipes her hand on a rag, "Ermm…Pardon me?"

"YES. ATTACKING EDWARD CULLEN. BEAUTIFUL. IT'LL BE PERFECT…"

"Ah, shit, I knew you were going insane." Rosalie shook her head, "EMMETT!" she yells.

I spin around to face Emmett, "EMMETT! HOW ARE YOU?"

"Didn't you ask me that already…?" Emmett cocks his head to the side and glances at Rosalie.

"HOW ABOUT A GAME OF MONOPOLY EMMETT? HERMMM?" I suggested, blocking the way to Rosalie.

But there was no time for monopoly, oh no. There was never time for monopoly. WHY WOULD THERE BE? But there was no time for monopoly because, the wretched Edward Cullen and Bella Swan had….

Wait for it…

Wait….

Shutup! I said to wait!

Waitttinngg…

YES THEY WERE….

**Authors Note:// Ooohh…A cliffie! Yes well, this is uploaded a day early but seeing as how I probably won't have any time to upload this tomorrow on Christmas Eve, I have to upload it today.**

**Happy Holidays Everyone!**


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